I should be in bed.
But this is the life of a night owl that is also an overthinker.
I was talking to a good friend of mine, Heather, one time and made a joke that I had written thousands of blog posts in my mind while I couldn't fall asleep at night (I never have been a person who can just hit the pillow and fall asleep), but that I always either forget exactly what I wanted to say by morning or just didn't take the time to write it out. I joked that I should keep my laptop by my bed and just write it then. She said I should.
Well, tonight, I was working late and had my laptop in the bedroom already. So, here I am...writing it out.
The old hymn, It Is Well is stuck in my head. Over and over again, I hear the beautiful words and notes of this hymn. The part that is on repeat in my brain is, "Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul!"
I love it when an old hymn gets stuck in my head. Don't get me wrong, I love new worship songs and can get lost in them too. There is just something soul deep for me when it comes to the hymns I have worshiped God with all my life.
I think this particular one is stuck in my head because of a conversation we had at small group tonight. We were talking about having our lives centered around God. How we can see God and glorify God in trials and in peace.
I have seen trials. They were easier than some of yours and worse than some of yours. That does not matter. What matters is that the trials taught me to trust God "whatever my lot."
Right now? Life is amazing. It is still hard. I still have days where I tease Michael that I am resigning my position and will reapply in the morning. Those are usually the days where I feel like a failure as a wife, a mother and an employee. However, he refuses to accept my resignation even with the promise of reapplying in the morning, so I go take a long bath and listen to some Hollyn or TobyMac and refocus on my amazing God.
Is it good because of anything I can take credit for? NO! It is good because God has blessed us greatly. Someday I will have to write out all of the crazy things that happened for us to get where we are. Believe me...we could not have made this all happen. It was most definitely God! All good things come from God. And I want to give Him the credit he deserves with every breath I breathe.
But bad things happen. Does that mean that God doesn't care? Nope. It means I have to trust Him. That there is a greater good that I can't see. As my friend Shelly put it (I'm paraphrasing, Shelly, correct me if I screw this up!), we think that we have a right to know what God's greater purpose is for the bad things that happen, but we don't...we just have to trust Him.
Here is the awesome thing. God is the ALMIGHTY. He is everything. He has more power than we can even conceive. He doesn't need us. He doesn't have to care about us. BUT He does. Why? Because we are His children. Ryder and Iyla can drive me crazy and make my mind boggle at the things they do that they shouldn't. Yet, I love them. That is the only reason I can come up with as for why in the world God loves us. And He does. He loves us so much that He sent His son to die for OUR sins. Blows. My. Mind.
So if this God, who is all-powerful, loves me so completely, deeply and unconditionally that He would send His son to die for MY sins, then I can say, it is well with my soul...whatever my lot.
When we were told all the horrible things that would be wrong with Iyla at the first ultrasound. I was devastated. My baby girl. What would she have to face? Would she even live? Yet, once the shock wore off, I knew that I had to trust God.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a wife and mother and has a cancer that there is no cure for. I told her that I KNOW God CAN completely heal Iyla if that is His will, but that I also know that what I want isn't always His will. And trusting Him with whatever the outcome may be and coming to peace with that is hard. It was so comforting to hear her say that she understood. Iyla's outcome was miraculous. For that, we are eternally grateful.
My friend doesn't know her outcome yet, but she still trusts God with whatever her lot may be. She is such an amazing child of God. She is the picture of peace that surpasses all understanding. There is a reason behind her peace though...most just don't understand it. She trusts her Heavenly Father. Her Abba, her Papa, her beloved savior. She rests in the fact that the God of all the universe loves her and will be with her no matter what and "that all things work together for good of those who love God" (Romans 8:28).
This is everlasting peace.
I know that there will be storms ahead in my family's future. I also know that we have to trust in the God that loves us beyond anything we can comprehend, and that He knows the good that will come from our storms...even if we never see it. I pray my family will always hold on to the everlasting peace of God that surpasses all understanding...and that whatever our lot, we will say, it is well, it is well with my soul!