You have been gone three months now.
I always dreaded the day I would lose you. I thought I could will you to live forever, so when the day came, I felt like I had been hit with a train. I knew in my mind that the day was fast approaching, but my heart still believed you would overcome all the odds like you had so many other times.
I have multiple pictures of you on our fridge. So I still see you and your smile every day. For that, I am grateful. On the other hand, it is sometimes like a kick in the gut that I can't come see you or even call you up to talk.
Ryder starts preschool in less than a month. You would be so proud of him. He is so smart and such a good kid. He is all about hugging now, I know you would love that.
Iyla is growing so much. She crawls everywhere, climbs on everything and insists on standing all the time. She is developing her own little personality. She is my cuddler and my kisser. You would love her hugs, her giggles and how much she talks.
Ryder still asks about you. I know that you would love that. He loves his Great-Gramma. When he sees me cry, he always asks, "Do you miss Great-Gramma?" It is so sweet. It breaks my heart. We had a long talk soon after you passed. He wanted to know if you were still sick. I told him that you weren't sick anymore. I told him you were in heaven with Jesus running and dancing. I needed to remember that myself.
In the end, you were so miserable. I knew you were ready to go. Go to Jesus and God. Go to your long-awaited reunion with Papaw. I know you missed him terribly. I hope you told him that I missed him my entire life and can't wait to finally meet him.
Ryder was playing with a toy snake today. It made me think of you. You never let us play with ANY toy snakes at your house. I can't say that I blame you since you were bit by a copperhead and lived to tell about it. I can still remember mom not letting me buy a toy snake when I was a kid because you didn't want them around.
Gramma, tell me this gets easier. Tell me that I won't be blindsided by pain every time I see someone else post a picture of their grandma or see a sweet little old lady out and about. Tell me that the things I KNOW in my mind...that you are in a better place, that you aren't in pain anymore, that you aren't worrying anymore, that you are whole and at peace, that you are in our Savior's arms...will eventually take the pain away. That SOMETHING, ANYTHING will take the pain away. Three months. Three months and losing you still leaves me a blubbering mess.
I love you Gramma. Always have. Always will. What I wouldn't give for another hug from you or to see your face light up when I walk in! I miss you.